According to a QI Twitter post, it’s illegal to own more than six dildos in Texas.
Well, fine. It’s a factoid that raises more questions than it answers. In fact I had never, not once, wondered how many dildos it might be legal to own in the Lone Star State, but if I were to ponder the question, a host of other questions raise their weirdly-shaped heads.
Do the police monitor dildo ownership? Do you have to give your details when you buy one, and is there a register that then gets updated? If so, whose job is that – is there one guy in Texas whose job is to raise the alarm when Dolores from Amarillo exceeds her limit? How does she know she still has the other six? She might have worn one out with constant use, or lost one (don’t ask where), or had it stolen (don’t ask how) or sold it (though I’m not sure the second hand dildo market is worth investing in. Stick to pork futures).
Do they have amnesty programs? I’m imagining a sign saying ‘Gun amnesty – this way. Dildo amnesty – that way’. Does the TV news feature serious-faced officers displaying tables covered in sex toys? What happens to them afterwards? Are they destroyed, or made safe and retained for display and educational purposes?
I’m not sure if Texas is ‘open carry’ for dildos, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need a licence to own one – YET. Is there some equivalent of the National Rifle Association, that lobbies politicians not to restrict sex toy use or ownership? First set up in New England as The National Association of Sex Toy Yankees, or NASTY, it was originally funded to teach safe usage and marksmanship – so important that you hit the right spot – but has recently been mired in controversy.
I’m imagining NASTY has shady financing and works in the interests of the Dildo-Industrial Complex rather than those of ordinary, er, members. They cast sex toy ownership as a matter of personal freedom, never explaining why anyone would need military-grade Rabbits for home use.
Are there sex toy survivalists, who have bunkers full of the things? (The answer to that one is, of course, definitely yes.) Could you have a firearm that uses dildos as rubber bullets, and get around the law that way? (Probably not, which of course is a damn shame.)
If there are limits on ownership, does that mean there’s a thriving rental market? Is that what happened to all those Blockbuster Video stores?
Most importantly, is this how they will finally get to convict Ted Cruz? Like going for Al Capone via his taxes. I’m looking forward to the subsequent remake of The Untouchables.
But anyway: why is six the legal limit? I genuinely couldn’t understand it. In Saudi the limit is zero, which is Wrong Wrong Wrong but is at least understandable. But six? Is it one for each day of the week, but preserving Sunday as a day of rest? Was it originally four, but raised after some NASTY cash reached the right palms? More seriously – and at the risk of sounding like a dildo libertarian – why is how many sex toys a person owns the business of the government, or anyone else?
The answer is actually pretty simple. I looked at the statute; it’s Chapter 43 of the Texas Penal Code (yes, that’s the right spelling of ‘penal’) – AKA the Obscene Device Law. Essentially, possession for personal use is legal, but dealing is not (a bit like cannabis in some other states). Six dildos is considered a dealing amount.
Presumably Texans have to buy their sex toys from other states, then – or are they smuggled across the border from Mexico? (A Spanish term for dildos is, wonderfully, ‘consoladores’.)
In any case, where there’s a crime, there’s a crime novel. I really want to write Seven Dildos in Texas – it won’t be quite as highbrow as Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, but it will generate just as much of a buzz.